My Glorified Double-Wide

Last week my hard-working husband went on a much needed and deserved vacation to hunting camp, AKA our home. You see, that was his original intent on purchasing our home and property in this rural country area. Tired of living right next to the highway with the noise and lack of privacy, my husband stumbled upon our house as he was hunting up in this neck of the woods. The house had been abandoned by its previous two owners, the first had literally left it to ruin. Years later the second owners, with good intentions, tried to fix it up. They gutted it to the studding, refinished the floors and walls, put in a new heating system, and got a divorce. Thus leaving it abandoned once more.

Sounds attractive, doesn't it? I am sure it had "BUY ME!" written all over it. At least it did for Jim.
Jim is not a negotiator. He never put in a counter offer. He just bought the dang place at its full asking price before having even put a FOR SALE sign on the home he already lived in. He was determined to make his new place "CAMP", a retreat for him during hunting seasons.

Jim successfully sold his other home and had been living in his "camp" when I met him. It was practically empty. He had only a few pieces of furniture. There were not even doors on some of the doorways, no trim anywhere in the house, or anything that made it feel homey. It really did feel like camp with just the basic necessities.

I had already owned my home a few miles away. It was a cute little house, but I too didn't like the noise of the highway or the lack of privacy from living in a neighborhood. My first marriage had failed in that house, and I was ready to leave it behind. But my house was homey and cozy and not campy. And it was my children's home where I celebrated some of their most important firsts.

When Jim and I decided to get married and have Jake we realized my little house was just that, little. And his house was, well, camp. So needless to say I was very reluctant to move in to camp in spite of us needing the extra space. What actually made the decision final was at Easter when I wanted to have an Easter Egg hunt for my very large extended family (shout out to the Ecelberger's), and we decided to have it at camp because there was ample parking and it was wide and flat and we could accommodate lots of people and lots of Easter eggs. So I made Easter dinner and had everyone here and my aunts and uncles were so complimentary of the place, to my shock.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not better than a double wide, that's for sure. The only thing that made me leery of the place was its history and what the house had been through. But truly, the house didn't feel sad to me. It just needed loved. There are some really wonderful things about my home that I absolutely love such as my kitchen. It is big and I have a lot of storage and counter space and an island to prep my food or the kids can sit at. I love our big garden tub in the master bath that all 3 of my children can fit in at the same time. I love that it is a ranch style one level home. I love our in-floor heat. I love that I have a laundry room and mud room. I also have an entry way. These are all things that were on my list of things I wanted in my dream home someday.

We also finished the basement, which used to be just one long empty space the entire length of the house. Now it contains a very nicely finished space with my husband's man cave and trophy room, another large kitchen with lots of counter space and storage to put our canned goods, he has a gun room/reloading room, a huge man closet, a play room, 2 more bedrooms and a full bathroom.

Moving our family here has been one of the best decisions we have made as a family. It has created a new space for us to begin our journey as a blended family. We have painted and decorated it with all of the things that are special to us and if anything, it looks like anything but a camp. It is our home and we are proud of it. And we love it, and it loves that we are in it.

I am sure that not all of the hunting type of guys would take a week off of work to hunt in their back yard, drink beer in their own house, and spend time with their wives and children and call that hunting camp. If anything, I think most guys like that time away from all of those things to enjoy going away to camp. But that's one of the reasons why I love Jim so much. This is what he saves his vacation days for and looks forward to all year. And I am thankful that he loves hunting camp and I have my dream home.

Anxiety is the Enemy

I have a confession. I suffer from frequent panic attacks. I never know exactly when one is going to sneak up on me, but I am on a daily mission to overcome the anxiety in my life. Sometimes it feels like it is a minute by minute battle. Over the past 15 years I have done a lot of soul searching and have began to understand the role that anxiety plays in my life.
I am a high energy person. I usually have 40 irons in the fire. I have a very hard time relaxing and sitting for any length of time. I often overplan my days and feel inadequate that I didn't get everything that I set out to do done.
I can relate to those ADHD kids that I teach on a daily basis. I understand how noise can amp up someone's insides and make them feel like they are going to burst with nervous energy. I have trouble driving my car on sunny days. The shadows that the trees make on the road as I am steering make me feel like it's a thousand stroble lights going off. It's equally hard to listen to the radio and have a conversation at the same time with someone.
When I sense a panic attack coming on I immediately have that fight or flight response. This surge of nervous energy wells up in my stomach and it makes me feel like I could run laps around my house. I absolutely hate it. It makes me irritable, flighty, and oversensitve to every little thing.
This past summer the anxiety started to get out of control to the point where I didn't want to leave my house. I had designated safe places in my mind that I knew I had to go to and that I didn't feel anxiety about going there. Anywhere other than those places, I chose to stay at home. But realizing this was what was happening and that the anxiety was in a way handicapping my ability to function "normally" I chose to consult with my doctor for help.
He diagnosed me with a panic disorder that often can be alleviated through the use of medicine and behavioral therapy. I have been down the medicine and therapy route in the past, and it wasn't a very pleasant or positive experience for me, but I knew that this would be his suggestion. My soul objectives were to understand the anxiety and attain some practical coping strategies to help me get through the panic attacks without feeling like I was going to implode.
In an effort to minimalize some of the stress in my life, I have became a much more forward individual. I do not have the energy to lament over trivial things or get fussed up about people or new initiatives at work, or stewing parents. Instead, I have chosen to take the bull by the horns approach and problem solve as soon as it is possible so I don't take those things home with me and think about them at night. This has been a positive decision on my part, although I have been a little too forward on some occasions because I didn't give myself enough time to plan thoughtfully what I needed to say when I needed to say it. Let's just say this is a strategy in progress and I have some growing to do.
I have also tried to aquire the ability to politely say, "No thank you." I am a fixer. I want to help people. But sometimes I take on too many other people's burdens and causing more stress for myself. So I have chosen to try to keep my life as simple as possible, putting the needs of my family first and then if I have the time, energy and ability, do for others.
I have began to communicate more openly what is causing me anxiety and enlisting in the help of others that are close to me to offer me some suggestions that may help me get through whatever it is that is flaring up at that moment. This requires an open mind, and being willing to hear things that may make me feel badly. But it really is effective for my stress management.
Admitting this to the world feels a little like standing here completely naked, but for those of you who know me, it will probably put a few pieces of the puzzle together that you may have been thinking about when it comes to me and my personality. This is also part of my attempt to climb this mountain. We often find community with others, sometimes even complete strangers. I would love to hear your comments and feedback and click the like button if you can relate. :)

Resignation

I have been an elementary teacher for 13 years. I began my career in a tiny Christian school in the Weather Capital of the World, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. I went to Penn State University Park Campus, earned a degree in elementary education, student taught in Altoona School District in a Kindergarten classroom with a master teacher, and then upon graduation, I was so hungry to teach that I interviewed at a Christian School in Punxsy and was hired to teach at the Kindergarten level.
I loved it. I was overwhelmed, as most first year teachers were. But I enjoyed the happy chaos of my new career. I taught there for one year when, upon feeling the financial stress of a new marriage and pressure from my then husband to have better healthcare, retirement, and income, I resigned, only to substitute teach in a local public school.
Subbing is less than glamorous and fulfilling at times. Teachers like to complain about what you did and didn't do in their room for the day. It's a love/hate sort of relationship on both parts, that of the sub and that of the classroom teacher. I missed my classroom of students that I cared about every day and looked forward to on a consistent basis. I didn't like that 6 a.m. phone call, that wondering if I will get a couple days in a row because I made nice with the secretaries, or the anxious anticpiation of getting an interview when it was time for hiring.
I got two interviews with the same public school district. It didn't go as well as I had hoped it would either time. The first time I felt like I was just blowing smoke cause I was so nervous and distracted that I really didn't feel like I answered the questions to the best of my ability. I also felt like the questions really weren't that relevant to who I was as an educator, what I hoped to accomplish as a teacher, and what I knew about teaching. During the second interview the president of the school board fell asleep. When I saw him doze off, I was mortified. After that I am sure I didn't make any sense at all. I convinced my husband that subbing was not my path and I interviewed for a different local Christian School and received a 2nd grade position.
2nd grade was a similar challenge to teaching Kindergarten, but the Abecka curriculum that was used in those two schools was extremely detailed, fast paced, and laid out nicely so a teacher could pick it up and use it. I loved my job there, but the unfortunate thing about living in a depressed part of rural Pennsylvania is that private schools, such as both of the ones that I had taught in, depend on enrollment to pay their teacher's salaries. When enrollment is down, classrooms collapse and combine and a teacher loses his or her position. I was told that the class coming was too small to employ my position, so I went back to the public schools to apply for positions and be added to their sub lists.
I had received interviews in 3 local schools, was hired in 2 of those schools and chose the one that I currently work in because it wasn't in my home town, and I felt like, in theory, I could leave work behind and still have my own life when I returned home at night. That wasn't a true story. I do not possess an off switch apparently.
That first year was hell on earth. The district had just moved to full day kindergarten from half day, they acquired a new reading series, and they implemented a new assessment that, at the time was paper and pencil, and currently is performed using an app on an ipad. Some of my colleagues that I had to work really close with in the building that I had been assigned to were a little repelled by me. I had a lot of enthusiasm and ideas. I liked parent involvement. I was a novice with contract and union related stuff. I made a lot of wonderful friendships in that building because there were and still are some amazing teachers and women that work there. However, as it is in most work related settings, there are those couple that really make things difficult, and I was not having an easy time adjusting to that.
I have always been the black sheep in just about every setting that I have been in, but in this case I completely felt like I was the black, blue, green, purple, orange and yellow sheep, too. Needless to say, after a few years there I put in for a building change, thinking this would make my life easier somehow. I am not opposed to change when it feels good, and this change did, so I embraced it. I enjoyed my new building, which is my current building and I have had my shares of ups and downs there too, but they have felt much much more manageable than it did in my first placement.
While at my current building I have had a beautiful daughter, gone through severe depression and anorexia related to that depression, fought through a failed marriage, separation, and divorce, survived dating (which is not for the faint of heart because there are a lot of psychos out there), met the love of my life, married him, birthed a new son, moved from my old house to my current home, and all the while have continued to grow as an educator, getting better with each year in terms of discipline, effectiveness, and classroom management.
Last year was the best year of my career in spite of a 2 year long building renovation in which I moved my classroom and kids 3 times in 9 months and taught in a gymnasium with 6 other classrooms and no ceiling. My children were beautiful receptive respectful little people. They were well-behaved and ready to learn. They were kind and considerate. Their families were supportive and kind and helpful. They made me feel good about being a teacher and I loved to be their teacher. I had 3 children on the autism spectrum but because of early intervention, these brave little ones weathered the noise and adapted to the moves and learned in spite of all of the changes we had to endure together. We were a team, "Team Thomas" I called us, and I was proud of them for being such wonderful strong little people.
It is really hard to teach Kindergarten and then come home to three children under the age of 8, two of which I share custody with my former husband. I am happily remarried but marriage is not easy and takes a lot of time and work and effort. And my home has 6 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, 2 kitchens and 5 acres. I am so exhausted from the work that I put into each child in my classroom each day, the fires that I put out every day that don't have anything to do with teaching and that do have to do with teaching, all of the requirements that public educators in Pennsylvania have to fulfill from the government and administration, the amount of parent contacts that I make regularly, and the neediness of the ages of these children, that I feel like I have so little left at the end of the day to give to my most deserving beautiful family. I do try my best. I am rarely grumpy and short with them even though it is taking every fiber of my being to hold it together. Routines are my sanity here, and my own children are very receptive to those and helpful to me and love me through hard days. My husband is amazing and helpful and selfless. He keeps me sane.
The face of public education is changing every day. It is not the same animal it was 10 years ago. Or even one year ago. I have came to the realization that I do not have it in me to do what I do for 30 years. Or 20. In fact, I am going to stop at 13.
Last week I turned in my resignation, effective December 21, 2012. It was with mixed emotions that I did so. In a way I feel like I am failing my students by leaving mid year. In most ways I feel like I am failing my family by going to work every day. I am leaving behind 2 wonderful teammates and a lot of colleagues who I have grown so fond of over the years. They have loved me through those hard times. I will miss that daily contact.
My supportive husband has afforded me the ability to not go to work every day. That is not to say that we do not need my income. It is just to say that I need to take a step back, get centered again, and do something part-time. Part-time in my field is back in the subpool. Only this time it is by choice. I don't have to care about so many things that I currently bring home with me every day. That I can't turn off when I lay down to sleep at night. I can go to school, teach and then I can leave it all behind me. But before I sub, I am going to test the waters of being a stay-at-home-mom. I have never had this ability before in a full-time sense.I am going to enjoy volunteering in my children's classrooms and spending days in my jammies with my toddler. I am going to do laundry and clean my own house and make good meals that take all day long. And I can't wait to do it. I have started blogging as a means of staying connected to the things I love the most, teaching included. I have so much to share about my past experiences, and so much to share on my journey to what is next. And I look forward to you being part of it.

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Meet Jake

Meet Jake Thomas, AKA Jimmy Junior. My husband waited 47 years to have him....I carried him the full 42 weeks and finally they induced me on January 19, 2011. My husband, the calm, tough, rugged man that he is, was helplessly rubbing my back and holding my hand and doing what he could to help me endure the pain. They broke my water and an hour and a half later, after my body felt like I was going to spontaneously combust, Jake arrived healthy and wailing. I was in a pain haze when he arrived, feeling immediate relief from the pressure I had endured for months, but I foggily remember my sweet and proud husband meeting his firstborn child. He cried at the sight of this tiny human who looked exactly like him. I was shaking so badly from going into a shock sort of state after having him, that Jim immediately stepped in as alpha-parent, care-giver and provider, and began his journey as a father.
Jim's voice is very deep and sexy and soothing. He kept kissing his tiny son, and telling him hi, and saying, "I am your dad." But Jake already knew that. Jim had talked to him every day while he was in my belly and Jake would roll around like crazy when he heard his voice. Jim would give him a pep talk towards the end of the pregnancy telling him he needed to come see us and give his Mama a break. And, being stubborn like his dad (and his mom) that little bugger decided he would make camp til them made him come out. :)
Within minutes of Jake's arrival, I watched my tough guy husband morph into a gentle giant. Those work worn hands never put that boy down unless I needed to feed him. As long as Dad was in the house, Jake was in his care. He was right there to change his first yucky diaper, and several 100's since. He gave him his first bath in which the nurses tried a bonding procedure where they removed the dad's shirt and once the baby was bathed they swaddled the dad and baby close together skin to skin so they formed an attachment. I think they called it a kangaroo method of some sort. It was so sweet to see that little human nuzzled in all that chest hair :) My husband never felt so proud.
These two have a kindred spirit and an inseparable bond. They have a need to be together. Jake's first words were DaDa. I feel privileged to have given him the gift of a child. Jim had never been married or had children of his own in his life before he met me. He had accepted that it may never happen for him. I am so thankful that God allowed me to have Jake with Jim. Jake is a gift and a joy and has made our family feel so close and complete. Caleb and Ava love him so much. They help us take care of him. They are so wonderful to him. They don't see him as anything less than their real brother.
Jim is a wonderful father, not just to Jake, but to Caleb and Ava, as well. He teaches them things and spends time with them. He helps with homework and baths and bedtime. He does everything that I do with them and most of all, he loves them and takes excellent care of them, just like he does Jake. Sometimes blended families don't always feel so seamless, but I am very blessed and grateful that mine does.
Friends, your children are a gift from God. Please treat them as if they are. They are divinely ordained to be loved by you, taught by you, and to be taken care of by you. Parenting is the hardest job that you will ever have the privilege of doing. Enjoy those simple things like being called Mommy 15 times in one minute because someday you will just be called Mom. Or stepping on the oodles of Matchbox cars in the middle of the night as you try to tuck them into bed because someday soon he will be driving a real car. Or wiping those tiny little handprints and smudge marks off of your new flat screen TV because they grow up way too fast. Don't miss it in the chaos of getting to work and the sitter's in the morning with your sanity half in tact. Don't hate it because your house is a mess and your car stinks like spoiled milk. Love what makes them little.